Calvin Harris is ILL. Throat problems saw him struggle through his set at Glasgow’s Old Fruit Market, part of the Beck’s Fusions gigs around the UK. But is he OK besides that? The lofty love machine took some time (not much, mind) to answer some of Is This Music’s? probing psychological questions after the show.
Indeed, so worried were we about Mr Harris’s welfare and the somewhat cryptic answers he gave, we have enlisted the help of Dr Wolfgang McDuff of the Psychological Institute of South Hamilton to analyse Calvin’s responses to find out what really makes the pop prince tick…
How’s your throat and did you enjoy the gig?
CH: My throat is massive, and the gig was quite hard going but I think most of the people enjoyed it.
Dr WM: Notice the elusive way he didn’t actually answer whether or not he enjoyed the show. This tells a story. Also, his reference to having a massive throat is probably his way of making himself ‘bigger’. This could be a direct reference to a complex about penis size.
What did you make of the onstage proposal? That was a nice catch of the mobile phone by the way.
CH: The onstage proposal was easily the highlight of the show, I wish we could have one every gig. It breaks things up a bit.
Dr WM: Calvin’s desire to have breaks in the middle of a performance, instead of getting on with a show shows a real lazy side to his character and questionable professionalism. If Calvin Harris was a builder, his bum would be hanging about 6 inches out of his hot pink skinny jeans and he’d be eating about 50 Kit Kats a day. Your conservatory would literally NEVER get finished with him on the case.
You’ve been busy collaborating with the likes of Kylie Minogue, Roisin Murphy and Sophie Ellis Bextor. Would you consider working with anyone ugly?
CH: I’ve been producing my own songs for many years now.
Dr WM: By playfully suggesting the only ugly person he’s worked with up until now is actually himself, this perhaps highlights deep-rooted self-loathing, lack of confidence and anxiety over his appearance. Perhaps he feels self-conscious about his gargantuan throat?
Two of your songs have made it to Kylie’s album, but some were rejected by Roisin Murphy’s lot. Are you guilty of keeping the best songs for yourself and giving the girls the shit ones?
CH: No, they are all winners.
Dr WM: Clearly delusional.
What does being Scottish mean to you?
CH: I’m only just about Scottish as although I was born in Dumfries, both my parents are English. It’s hard; I feel as if I have no cultural identity, like a wasp.
Dr WM: The wasp metaphor suggests a volatile character, liable to explode when provoked. His negative attitude to cultural identity suggests a feeling of ‘homelessness’ – perhaps he feels like he is a lost child, alone in a play park.
Notice the mention of his parents without being asked about them, and the sense of detachment he feels towards them, culturally. He may be feeling he sub-consciously wants to kill his father and marry his mother, but I could be wrong.
What’s your all time favourite album?
CH: D’Angelo ‘Voodoo’.
Dr WM: Ah, a display of musical taste. Is this really his favourite album? I’m guessing he prefers Sting. See what I did there?
How did you feel by the tabloids’ negative reaction to the National House Party Day? Thrilled, I’d assume?
CH: I suppose it was beneficial in some way, got the name out there etc. Didn’t do much for the single though…
Dr WM: Not all “winners” then.
Do you collect anything?
CH: Guns.
Dr WM: Worryingly, it sounds as though Calvin is a violent fantasist. Aside from this, guns are of course an extremely phallic symbol and brings us back to a possible penis fixation.
If you hadn’t have got into music, what would you be doing?
CH: Putting something on a shelf.
Dr WM: The mention of putting things on shelves could be a sub-conscious fear of putting his career on the shelf, or indeed from a romantic point of view, being ‘left on the shelf’. Perhaps he fears settling down and worries his wayward batchelor-type ways may well leave him old, alone and lonely. Like Cliff Richard.
Either that or it’s a reference to his past life as a shelf stacker in Marks and Spencer’s.
I saw you on TV wearing hot pink skinny jeans. Do you think it takes a real man to wear that kind of thing?
CH: No, you need to be quite effeminate I think. You’d never get Mike Tyson stepping out in that gear.
Dr WM: Here we get the biggest clue yet to Calvin’s sexuality, hinting that he doesn’t feel he’s a real man. Calvin’s desire to express his feminine side is admirable. Without admitting homosexuality, Calvin is coy enough to suggest he is comfortable with this aspect of his lifestyle, and any feelings he has towards other men are definitely not repressed.
Thank God, because “The Girls” is one over-the-top macho display of denial if ever there was one…
What’s the geekiest thing you’ve ever done?
CH: I don’t know the definition of the word.
Dr WM: Hmmm. Cryptic. Does this mean that Calvin literally doesn’t know the meaning of the word? Perhaps he doesn’t have a dictionary.
It was a very stupid question to ask him. I mean, how could someone like Calvin Harris (the epitome of cool) ever contemplate doing something geeky? Shame on you, Chris Walker and your poor interview skills.
What’s the most legendary practical joke that you’ve either played or had played on you?
CH: On the tour bus, we built a massive wall of breezeblocks in front of our tour manager’s bunk when he was sleeping. That was amazing.
Dr WM: Oh dear. What we have here is a classic case of a sadistic disregard for authority. Clearly, Calvin gets his kicks from torturing and holding captive the people he feels have control over his life, sub-consciously ‘kicking out’ at the world that simply doesn’t understand him.
In conclusion, Calvin Harris appears to be a textbook example of a waspish, penis-fixated, gun-toting, self-loathing, effeminate, cultureless sadist, who likes nothing better than fantasising about Mike Tyson in tight pink trousers whilst bellowing D’Angelo songs from his massive throat.
Disclaimer
Like Gillian McKeith, Dr Wolfgang McDuff is not a real doctor, does poke around in folks’ shites and may not be a real person. Any opinions expressed by him are not representative of Is This Music? Or, indeed the Psychological Institute of South Hamilton. Or anyone.
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